


i am still right here

by chaotic_carisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:07:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29598759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaotic_carisi/pseuds/chaotic_carisi
Summary: Sonny turned around and found himself facing Rafael Barba, the same old smirk on his face.“Barba.” He said, nodding politely, as though they were nothing more than colleagues. “You grew a beard.”“And you got some better suits.” He said, laughing as Sonny frowned.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 15
Kudos: 47





	1. Chapter 1

Sonny swore under his breath as he put the phone down, a million thoughts rushing through his mind, every single one leading back to the same person. He quickly tried to gather up the sheets in front of him, along with his thoughts, hoping to leave the office before the inevitable happened. 

“Carisi.” 

Too late. 

Sonny turned around and found himself facing Rafael Barba, the same old smirk on his face. 

“Barba.” He said, nodding politely, as though they were nothing more than colleagues. “You grew a beard.” 

“And you got some better suits.” He said, laughing as Sonny frowned. 

“There was nothing wrong with my suits, Rafael.” Sonny said, but he couldn’t deny that his closet had certainly had an upgrade since he became an ADA. “So why are you here, Rafael?” He leaned against the table behind him, trying his best to stop his mind from wandering. 

“Liv called in a favor. You’re charging this guy?” He asked, crossing his arms when Sonny nodded. "Alright. I'll see you tomorrow then ." He turned to leave. 

"Wait," Sonny stood up, connecting the dots in his head. "You're defending him? Why?" 

Rafael turned back around, sighing. "It feels like the right thing to do." 

"The right thing- Rafael, have you seen the evidence against this guy?" Sonny couldn't believe it. How was this the same Rafael that had taught him so much? "Why are you really doing this? Is this because of before?" 

"What? No, don't be ridiculous." 

"Is it really that ridiculous that you would come back to try and make up for before?" Sonny shook his head in disbelief. "I thought you were better than this, Rafael." He grabbed his papers and pushed past Rafael, not turning around until he got to his office door and heard Rafael call after him. 

"I'm sorry." He followed Sonny towards his office, and Sonny felt like he had no excuse to not let him in. He nudged open the door with his elbow and watched as Rafael leaned against a stack of boxes. 

"It's a bit late for that." He said, organising the paperwork on his desk amongst old papers from his last case. 

"I was hoping we could get dinner or something, for old times sake." Rafael suggested, and Sonny noticed how quietly he was talking. He was nervous. That's a first. 

"So you came back to go against me in court and take me to dinner?" Sonny still didn't look up as he shuffled papers around. 

"I wanted you to come with me." 

Sonny froze.

"I stood outside your apartment for hours that night, just trying to work up the courage to ask you." His voice was barely louder than a whisper as he spoke next. 

"I loved you, Sonny. I still love you. Not a single day has passed where I haven't thought about you. You have no idea how much I regret everything." 

Sonny looked up, but found that he didn't feel anything for Rafael except a coldness, something he had never expected. 

"You didn't even say goodbye. You didn't let me know where you had gone, or what you were doing." Sonny said, his voice rising as he spoke, the opposite from Rafael in every way. "I had to find out what happened from Liv, not my own fiancé."

Rafael looked down at the ground, remembering the shame he felt when he left his ring on Sonny’s desk. "I'm sorry." he muttered. 

"Sorry isn't enough, Rafael. Not now." Sonny spat at him, ignoring the sadness in his eyes, a look that would've once made Sonny's heart break, but now he just felt hollow. He left, leaving Rafael in his own office, and didn't stop until he had made it downstairs and outside, feeling the first tear fall down his face as the cold rain hit him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, i finally managed to sort out the second chapter a bit and here it is! I'm not so sure about what's coming next, but I think there's gonna be a few more chapters.

\- 7 years ago -

“Hey, Counselor!” Sonny called, jogging out of the courtroom to catch up with him. 

Barba turned around, just wanting to get back to his office. “What is it, Detective?”

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry about the trial, Counselor.” Sonny started, suddenly forgetting what he actually wanted to talk to him about as he found himself lost in his eyes. “I, uh…”

“Spit it out, Carisi, I have things to do.” He said, a little too harshly. 

“Right, yes.” Sonny tried to focus on something other than the incredible green eyes that he couldn’t quite look away from. “I go to law school, you already know that, but I was wondering if I could maybe take you out to dinner?”

“What?” 

“Shadow you, if I could shadow you, you know, to help me for the Bar.” Sonny said, burning red. 

Barba shook his head. “You said dinner.” 

“Uh, no, I…” But Sonny couldn’t think of anything to say. He really had asked him to dinner, and he couldn't even deny it. What was he thinking?

“Carisi.” 

Sonny looked up, feeling more nervous than he had in years. 

“Dinner sounds nice.” Barba said, smiling when Sonny’s eyes lit up. “We can talk about you shadowing me then, okay?” 

“Of course, uh, I’ll pick you up tomorrow?” 

“I’ll see you then.” Barba turned and walked down the corridor, leaving Sonny with the biggest smile he’d had for a while. 

\- 6 years ago - 

“You don’t think we should tell them?” Sonny asked, fixing Rafael’s tie before planting a kiss gently on his cheek. 

Rafael shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe we should.” He absentmindedly stroked Sonny’s tie as Sonny poked his head out the door, checking that no one was coming, before kissing Rafael again, on the lips this time. 

“Hey, come on.” Rafael muttered, but he still kissed back, his hand resting gently against Sonny’s stomach. 

Sonny pulled back, grinning. It had been almost a year, yet he still felt butterflies when he was with Rafael. “I love you.”

“God, you’re so cheesy.” He joked, but stopped when Sonny pouted. “I love you too.” 

*outside the breakroom* 

Rollins turned to Liv, rolling her eyes. “Don’t they realise that we know? I mean, Carisi’s supposed to be a cop.”

Liv laughed, shaking her head. “Maybe they’re waiting to tell us.” She said, smiling when Rafael left the breakroom first, followed by Sonny, still grinning. “They do look good together, though.”

Rollins nodded in agreement. 

\- 5 years ago - 

Sonny stroked Rafael’s hair as he lay with his head on his chest. “Do you really have to go?” He asked, frowning as Rafael sat up. 

“Do I have to go to work? Yes, Sonny, I have to work.” Rafael pulled on his tie and left the bedroom, followed closely by Sonny, who was only wearing his Fordham hoodie and boxers. “Actually, don’t you have to work as well?” He asked, raising an eyebrow as he looked at Sonny.

“Well, yeah, but the precinct is only 5 minutes away.” Sonny turned around to get changed himself, but froze as he realized something. 

“Are you alright?” Rafael asked, watching as Sonny slowly turned back around. 

“You should move in here.” He said slowly. 

“What?”

“Yeah, you should move in!” Rafael could almost feel the excitement coming from Sonny as he worked his idea out. “It’s closer to the precinct, and the courthouse, and you wouldn’t have to leave late at night or early in the mornings. Rafi, this could work.”

Rafael thought for a moment. Sonny was right, it was closer to both their workplaces, and would save him the trouble of rushing home to get changed. 

“Okay. Okay, I’ll move in.” He said, and had to steady himself as Sonny pulled him into a hug a second later. 

\- 4 years ago -

“Sonny, have you seen my tie? You know, the orange one with the spots?” Rafael called from Sonny’s bedroom. He had definitely been wearing it the night before, but now it was nowhere to be seen. “Sonny, this is serious, I’m going to be late.”

Rafael walked out the bedroom and into the living room, sighing when he saw Sonny standing behind the kitchen counter, the tie draped around his neck. 

“Do you really have to go?” He asked. 

Rafael pulled his tie off of Sonny’s neck, reaching up to kiss him on the cheek as he did. “Yes, I really have to go.”

“Alright, I’ll do this quickly then.” He said, reaching into his pocket. 

“Do what quickly?” Rafael took a step back, watching in shock as Sonny went down on one knee. “Oh, Sonny.”

“I, uh, had a whole speech and everything, but I don’t want you to be late, so,” Sonny held up a small black box, and opened it to reveal a silver ring, one that he noticed Rafael looking at a few times before. “Rafael Barba, will you marry me?”

Rafael just stared at Sonny, too stunned to talk. 

“Rafi?” Sonny looked up, a little bit concerned at his silence, but also terrified he was going to say no. “Hey, Rafi, you’re gonna be late, I kinda need an answer.” 

“Of course I’ll marry you.”

\- 3 years ago - 

Sonny walked into the precinct, yawning as he passed a coffee to Rollins and Fin. He sat down, taking a sip from his own cup, and placing the fourth on his desk. He knew Rafael would be at the precinct today, and he knew a coffee would help with the early morning. 

He looked down at his paperwork, not sure what to sort out first, but found himself staring at something unexpected. 

A silver ring was sitting on the middle of his desk, identical to the one he had given Rafael. He picked it up, hands shaking. 

It was Rafael’s. 

He stood up, and made his way into Liv’s office, not even stopping to knock. 

“Where is he?” 

“Carisi, sit down-” Liv started, but Sonny wasn’t listening. 

“Where is he, LIv?” He demanded, pacing around her office. 

She sighed. “He left, last night.”

“Where did he go?” 

“I don’t know, Carisi. Please, sit down.” 

Sonny sat down, trying to make sense of everything. “So, that’s it? He’s just leaving me? He’s leaving New York? All because of that kid? He’s just gone.” 

Then the tears started. 

Liv didn’t say anything. She just let Sonny cry, until he was ready to talk, but even then he didn’t say much. 

“He’s not coming back, is he?” He asked, finally looking up at Liv. 

“I don’t think so.” She pushed a piece of paper across the desk to him. 

It read, “Liv, I’m sorry. I’ve got to move on. Tell Sonny I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry.” She said, but it didn’t matter. Rafael was gone. Sonny was alone. 

He left LIv’s office, and the precinct, and walked without thinking until he found himself outside the courthouse. He thought back to the first time he watched Rafael in court, and felt everything shatter around him. 

\- Today -

Sonny was standing outside the courthouse once more, in the rain this time, trying to prepare for what was about to happen. 

“Sonny.” 

It was Rafael. Sonny turned to face him, and Rafael felt a rush of regret as he saw Sonny’s bloodshot eyes. 

“Good luck today. I heard you’ve become a great lawyer.”

Sonny didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say. He turned away from Barba, looking back up at the courthouse. 

“Sonny…”

“Don’t.” He said. He didn’t want to know what else Rafael had to say, and didn’t know how he’d cope in court with his words bouncing around his head. 

Rafael sighed, but didn’t say anything else, and made his way up the steps into the courthouse. 

Sonny waited until Rafael was inside before following him.

**Author's Note:**

> so, this one was kind of different, and i was thinking of adding another chapter about them being in court, or something else, what do we think?


End file.
